Web Paint-by-Number Forum
Topic #200: Jokes!!! (Feel free to post any good ones you know of)
By Adam Nielson (monkeyboy)

#1: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 7, 2009

What is the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards...

Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
He couldn't decide between an iron and a wood...

#2: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 8, 2009
So are we supposed to post good ones in comparison to those, or actually good ones? *ducks and giggles*
#3: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 8, 2009
Oh, so it's ok to attack ME now is it??? LOL
I think I am going to be horribly and irreparably offended now. :-) Maybe I will start a new post asking why people criticize other people's jokes. LOL
#4: Teresa K (fasstar) on Dec 8, 2009
#5: Byrdie (byrdie) on Dec 8, 2009
First you have to tell jokes for them to be attacked. :-p
#6: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 8, 2009
I was totally expecting that response. :-P
#7: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 8, 2009
If you want blonde jokes I know a million. Being blonde I had to arm myself with them when I was younger.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
White out on the screen.

Why did she use white out?
The eraser didn't work.

How do you confuse a blonde for a week?
Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did it confuse her?
She didn't know where the 3's went in the alphabet.

I can go on...I even know more illicit ones...you know, the better ones. If any of them can actually be called better...
#8: Deana L (FFsWife) on Dec 8, 2009
Illicit blonde jokes? Oh, do tell! :D
#9: Byrdie (byrdie) on Dec 8, 2009
Then there was the blonde working in quality control at the M&M factory. She kept pulling out all the Ws.
#10: Teresa K (fasstar) on Dec 8, 2009
#11: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 8, 2009
There was a blonde who always had headphones on, day and night. She never took them off. Her friend wanted to know what she constantly listened to, but the blonde would never say. One night, while the blonde was asleep, her friend removed the headphones, placed them on her own head, and started to listen. She heard the words, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

(Optional last line: "Needless to say, the blonde died." Sometimes this last line is left out, but I put it in just for fun here. I think the joke is fine without it.)
#12: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 8, 2009
Well the first illicit blonde jokes I learned as a young teen...

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
Opens the car door.

What does a blonde say after sex?
So, are you guys all on the same team?

Why do blondes wear underwear?
Ankle warmers.

Then you get into the ones with curse words...

How are a blonde and turtle alike when they are on their backs?
They're both screwed.

Why are blondes like 747's?

Why are they different?
Not everyone has been on a 747.
#13: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 8, 2009
Very, um, graphic. I hope little kids are not reading this.
How about changing you-know-what to "screwed" or something like that?
#14: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 8, 2009
I did say they were illicit. :-P
#15: Sylvain "WCPman" (qwerty) on Dec 9, 2009
why does blonde have triangular coffin

can't help spreading they leg when on they back
#16: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 9, 2009
LOL! I thought you weren't around anymore except for WCP stuff.
#17: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 9, 2009
Wow that's one I actually haven't heard! Awesome!
#18: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 9, 2009
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
#19: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 9, 2009
Or did you hear about the blonde who...

- After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

- Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

- Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2 to 4 years"
#20: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 9, 2009
A blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and pushed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink.

She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. A man comes along and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responds

"I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."
#21: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 9, 2009
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She was hired.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"
#22: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 9, 2009
OK I hadn't heard #21 either, but the rest I have. I know a lot of jokes, not only blonde jokes. :-) Unfortunately a lot of the blonde jokes I know have a visual aspect to them...so kinda hard to tell here...
#23: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 9, 2009
What do you call seven blondes standing in a row?
Wind tunnel

In a circle?
Dope ring

In the freezer?
Frosted flakes
#24: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 9, 2009
How do you kill a blonde?
Scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

How do you kill a cheerleader?
Mirror on the bottom of a pool.
#25: Merili (merilinnuke) on Dec 9, 2009
Two blondes are desperately trying to break into their car, the keys are locked inside. Finally one blonde says, "I give up". The other one responds, "Keep trying. It's gonna rain soon, but the top is down" :)
#26: Cro-Magnon (Hermit) on Dec 10, 2009
#27: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 10, 2009
OK these are probably my favorite two blonde jokes...

Three blondes are going down to Disney World. They are approaching Orlando and see a great big sign that reads, "Disney World Left"
...so they went home.


Three blondes are walking through the woods when they come across a pair of tracks. The first one says, "I think they are deer tracks". The second one says, "I think they are bear tracks". Before the third one said anything, the train hit them.
#28: Merili (merilinnuke) on Dec 10, 2009
What's the first question a blonde asks after giving birth to a child?
Are you sure it's mine?

Why does a wall collapse after a blonde has been leaning against it for several hours?
The wiser gives in.

Why doesn't a blonde drive a Kia?
'Cause the text on her mobile says NO KIA.
#29: Sylvain "WCPman" (qwerty) on Dec 11, 2009
ok its the story of 3 beautiful woman lost in a wood. They found a house that look deserted and decided to go in. after a couple of minute they hear the sound of a chainsaw and someone screaming in pain so they decide to hide themself afraid to be the next victim. So each of the girl hide in a big bag near the wall. When the maniac arrive to his house he see the bag and get a little suspicious. He go to the first one give it a little kick just to see, The brunette inside goes woaf woaf so the mmaniac say to himself ok its a dog. He goes to the second bag and kick it meow meow say the redhead, ok its a cat. The maniac finally goes to the third bag and kick it. THe blonde answer sure of herself....potato potato

The other day a blonde friend of mine call me in despair telling me how she bougth this awsome puzzle of a tiger but she been trying to do it for two week now but hadnt been able to connect one piece yet. She told me that its probably because of the stripe making it difficult and that to make think harder the piece broke easilly. I told her to put the frosted flake back into the box
#30: Teresa K (fasstar) on Dec 12, 2009
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa Claus stops after three Ho's.

Deja vu for those of you solving my Ho-Ho-Homophone series.
#31: Teresa K (fasstar) on Dec 18, 2009
What did the doctor say to the man who had an elephant sitting on his head?

"It looks like you have a lot on your mind."
#32: Jota (jota) on Dec 18, 2009
Thank you all for making me laugh! I needed it and got it.
#33: Cecily (TheLorax) on Dec 18, 2009
A blonde rushes into a room where her friends are. Very excited she exclaims, "I have learned all the capitals of every state! Go ahead ask me any one."

Her friend says, "Ok, Wisconsin."

She thinks about it very hard, then finally she says, "W!"
#34: Jota (jota) on Dec 18, 2009
A drunk goes into a bar at 10 am, only the cleaning lady is in there cleaning the counter top.
The drunk asks for a beer, the cleaning lady very politely says "they are still warm", and the drunk says: "could you pass it to me with the cloth?"
#35: Adam Nielson (monkeyboy) on Dec 18, 2009
A man walked into a bar. The guy behind him ducked.
#36: Sallie Wilbur (sarriemom) on Dec 28, 2009
How are pirates and pimps alike?

They both say "Yo ho!" and walk with a limp.
#37: Ron Jacobson (shmily999) on Oct 11, 2010
A guy walks into the bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, "I'll have a drink and one for the road."

#38: Jota (jota) on Oct 12, 2010
#39: besmirched tea (besmirched tea) on May 30, 2014
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer... and a mop."
#40: Brian Bellis (mootpoint) on Jun 1, 2014
A brunette says to he blond sister "last night, I slept with a Brazilian"

"You slut!" the blond replies, "um...how many is a brazilian?"
#41: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Jun 1, 2014
#42: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Jun 1, 2014
A blond was walking near a pond that had a sign posted that said "Don't Fish Here." She said "I don't know," and continued walking.
#43: Kristen Vognild (Kristen) on Jun 2, 2014
I don't get it. At all. :(
#44: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Jun 2, 2014
Took me a while when I heard it:)
#45: Jota (jota) on Jun 2, 2014
#46: Kristen Vognild (Kristen) on Jun 3, 2014
Okay, it works better said aloud. :)
#47: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Jun 3, 2014
Right. :)
#49: Bill Eisenmann (Bullet) on Jan 21, 2019
Why don't blind people skydive?




It scares the #%@^ out of the dog
#50: Bill Eisenmann (Bullet) on Jan 21, 2019
A Polish guy goes in for his vision test. The doc says read those lines. "Read them? Hell, I know those guys!"
#51: Bill Eisenmann (Bullet) on Jan 21, 2019
*WARNING* Nationalistic content

A Portuguese, a Greek and a Spaniard go into a cathouse. Who pays?




#53: Aurelian Ginkgo (AurelianGinkgo) on Jan 21, 2019
I found my Mom stacking K-cups and she said to me, "Look, a pyramid."
And she just set herself up. I couldn't help but respond, "Where's the sar-coffee-gus?"

#54: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Jan 21, 2019
Funny ones, Bill. Sick. But funny.
#55: Valerie Mates (valerie) on Jan 22, 2019
Hey folks, please keep it family-friendly.
#56: Bill Eisenmann (Bullet) on Feb 4, 2019
Credit Eddie Murphy as the elderly white Jewish New Yorker in Coming to America:
A guy's in a diner, orders soup, the waiter brings the soup. A few minutes later the waiter notices he hasn't touched it, and inquires "How's the soup?"
The man says "Try the soup."
Waiter: "What, is it cold?"
Man: "Try the soup."
Waiter: "Is it too hot?"
Man: "Try the soup."
Waiter: "What, is it too salty? Is there a fly in it? What?"
Man: "Just try the soup already!"
Waiter: "Okay, okay I'll try the soup." (pause) "Where's the spoon?"
Man: "A - Haaa..."

Goto next topic

You must register and log in to be able to participate in this discussion.