#1: JoDeen Mozena (ozymoe) on Aug 10, 2012

This is such a small community, and you are all such good peeps, I'm going to share something I'd never share in my personal circle. A friend of mine died yesterday. The family screened visitors and even said at one point, "we're being really selfish and keeping her to ourselves since it's going to be any minute." I totally understood that since she had many children and her husband was also there. When the days stretched on and on...everyone was surprised by this) I had occasion to be in the hospital and decided to pick up my pans (I had brought something for the family to eat one day). When I arrived on the floor I was told no one from the family was there. They were "...giving the patient some time to herself". Granted they must have been tired, and granted she had not been "present" for seven days...but there were five children and other family members available to take turns sitting with her. I would have done it in a heartbeat if I had been asked. I was so sad. I never got to say goodbye to her and yet they left her alone, dying. She was dead less than a half day later. I just can't seem to get past this...such sadness and yes, some anger that I couldn't say goodbye and yet they left her dying, alone. This is not an uncaring family so I'm just frustrated, trying to understand this...thus, sleepless. I know I should just let it go, after all, this is their business. Still she was my friend, and I have a feeling this would not have been what she expected either. Sigh. I'm done. It just seems so sad that they left her alone when there were people who would have gladly sat with her.

It is a shame.

When my mom died it was pretty much the first death in the family we'd had in twenty years. In retrospect, though everyone was doing their best, we didn't do awfully well and didn't make all the right decisions. Everyone was stressed, nobody was fully thinking straight, and nobody had a lot of experience with similar situations to fall back on. We did better when my dad died, and when my sister died. I guess even death is a learning experience.

JoDeen, thank you for trusting us enough to share this painful experience. I am one of 10 siblings and my Dad is getting pretty close to "the end" and I'm a little fearful of this kind of situation. Your sharing helps me to prepare emotionally for how I will have to deal with my family.

That is probably going to be a part of your grief that will come back and sting from time to time. Hugs and healing thoughts are sent your way, JoDeen.

I have just discovered how the new filters work. I thought I'd come back tonight and see if I could find this posting. After a bit I noticed the new little "finding window" near the top. Brilliant! Just brilliant, Jan! I am now going to enjoy webpbn even more.

I want to thank both you and Teresa for your comments. I have pretty much moved past the sorrow and anger. I learned from this experience too. I'm the oldest of six in my family and it will fall to me to facilitate events at my mother's death, which I hope will not be for quite a while yet. She's going to be 89 and is doing reasonably well. She's flying to Sedona for a family reunion this October and looking forward to it. I have always encouraged her to do these type things over the objections of some of her grandchilden...and finally my neices have seen the wisdom in this lol. She has such a good time and feels so empowered. I love my mom very much and see her as a person, not an old person.

In closing I'd just say I learned that I will welcome all who come to visit at any point of my loved ones' deaths.

I am so grateful for this site.

(((hugs))) :-)

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