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#1: Norma Dee (norm0908) on Aug 18, 2012

Right on. Fun puzzle.

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Nicely done!

ty ty!

nope, can't say that I have. I bet it leaves a mark though

good one kurt :)

thanks, travis

Thanks, Kurt!

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ooooof! sorry to hear it, Al... for some unknown reason, I was remembering a similar experience today. unfortunately, it involved a close friend, not someone else's mother or father....and, oh yeah, a gun. and authorities didn't get to give the news to the wife, I did. not at all pleasant! seemed like it happened so many years ago when it popped into my head today.....then I remembered it was just this last new year's eve. funny how the mind works to distort time like that

guess we've all got our issues, huh? thought I worked through all that already...guess not though.

oooof,now i feel bad for dredging up bad memories Kurt. Sorry for your pain,time will heal somewhat,hang in there buddy.:)

relax, Al..I'm fine. just thought it weird that it popped in my head yest, when it hasn't for months. strange coincidence....

In March 2005 my mother's upstairs tenants phoned from Montreal to say there had been no heat in the house -- for a week. In winter. What were they thinking? My mother was a recluse who didn't answer the phone or the doorbell, so I drove from Ottawa and the door was chained. Like Aldège, I too called the police to come with a bolt cutter. Many hours later I drove home to arrange the funeral.

I'm so sorry, lollipop.

Sincerely,
Tom

(((((((lollipop))))))))

So sorry, folks, I didn't mean to bring a black cloud into the comments. I was just following on Ald�ge's remarks, not looking for sympathy. My mother was a very difficult woman. The problem, I think, is with the word "mother," which generally brings up a completely different feeling and image in people than my own experience. Mine was toxic, a paranoid pathological hoarder with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, who lied like other people breathe. She favoured one of her grandchildren, my oldest daughter, to the complete exclusion of the other four, saying my daughter was her second chance to get me right. She was extremely intelligent and astute, but she used her smarts to dissemble, deceive, and foment discord. Of course, growing up that was my normal; it took me decades to realize that I was not the bad person in our relationship, something I had heard all my life. While my dad was alive his presence and personality masked the extremes of her behavior. After he died I tried to do my best by her, but she was having none of it. She wouldn't let me in her house. I tried to obtain trusteeship to remove her from the financial disarray and serious health hazard she was existing in, but after 14 months the provincial public curator gave up. With my sister living in Colorado and her children much younger than mine, I was alone during the five solid months of commuting between cities 3 days a week that it took me to clean out her house wearing masks and gloves. When I found myself unable to grieve her death, a very wise clergyperson told me that I could instead grieve her life, and that helped me a lot.

Looking back, though, I was lucky because there have been four women of that generation in my life who at various times were my loving mentors. My beloved mother-in-law, whom I met when I was 17, was the mother of my heart.

Apologies again if instead of clearing the air I have conjured another black cloud.

wow...sounds familiar. you did very well, lollipop! rest easy knowing you did all you could. your integrity is unquestionable...

great advice from the clergyman. I think that'll stick with me.

your mom and my mom shoulda got together for tea or something.... but that would have been a disaster. I've found that mine does it for sympathy or negative attention, so I pay her no heed. at all, ever. the opposite of love isn't hate, as most would think....it's indifference. I hope I don't regret it later(after she passes), but you took a different path. you did all you could. I won't.

no apologies necessary. it's a very real and big part of your life that's shaped who you've become. I'm glad for the knowledge and wisdom of another.

do i have to take my hug back?

Of course not. Everyone knows a hug is the best accessory.

What a sad life. She didn't have much to give, did she? It's amazing that you survived to be such a caring person. You are a living tribute to your "other mothers." (((hug)))

Thank you, Teresa. Seven years later I am still dealing with the aftermath of her financial chaos. I won three cases before the Quebec Rental Board to collect unpaid and undeposited rent from her tenants. I challenged and won on medical grounds a provincial court judgment against her for having a buried leaking oil tank. I dealt with two bailiff notices. I saved her house from being sold by the city for unpaid municipal taxes. I filed her provincial and federal tax returns for the previous 7 years. In her mountains (literally) of paperwork I discovered perfidy and astonishing greed against her family. Because she had dormant real estate businesses I have held 36(!) garbage bags full of unsorted papers from her house to wait out the government challenge period, and I hope to be able to throw them out without ever having to look at them again.

The social services and medical networks failed my mother. After my countless interactions (begging) with health professionals for assistance, my older daughter still thinks I didn't do enough to help her, while my younger daughter thinks I did too much. For a long time I didn't say a word to anyone but family, and then when I understood that it was not helping me to keep my mother's secrets and I started talking about her to others, I realized that in fact it was I who was perceived as uncaring and cold. There again is that problem with the word "mother." So I stopped talking again.

My sister is the only person who understands the situation and the emotion. (My mother didn't talk to her for several years over a perceived slight.) I put "Always remembered" on my father's headstone and then "Never forgotten" on my mother's. Both of us understand the difference.

Wow, after remaining silent for years, who would have guessed I would unburden myself to a community of people I have never met. It just goes to show you how WebPBN has become so much more than a puzzle site.

Thank you, friends.

The grief we carry sometimes can be heavier than we realize. And your grief over your mother has so many complications!

Each time your grief comes up and you are able to share in a safe place, the burden can lessen a little bit. I'm so glad you have a sister who understands. And I'm glad that webpbn is a place where we can reach out to each other.

Let us know when the time comes to throw out all the papers and we'll celebrate together with a special puzzle. :-)

WOW! Many (((HUGS)))

Oh my goodness, Jota, here we all are four years later. The end of the story is that in 2014 I finally finished the estate paperwork -- 9 years(!) off and on -- and last year I received what in Canada is called a Clearance Certificate, which means that the tax department can never again come calling for backup documentation. I was thinking of having a celebratory bonfire of those 36 bags of paper, but I thought I should at least look through that stuff in case there was something important I should be keeping.

I know I glanced at those papers in 2005, but it was shocking seeing them all again 11 years later and remembering them in landslides on every flat surface in my mother's house, including the floor. I had forgotten that she never met a paper clip she couldn't find a use for -- for any 5 pieces of paper, say, she'd clip the first two together, then the next two, then the second to the third on one side and the fourth to the fifth on the other side, then the whole bunch together, never to be looked at again until now, by me.

I've now been through ten of the bags, filling five full oversize recycle containers, but I've found both my own and my sister's original birth certificates, my paternal grandmother's immigration document, some irreplaceable photos dating from 1910-1925, and at least 500 letters going in both directions -- my mother kept carbon copies of every letter she sent -- from 1971, the year my parents and sister lived in New Zealand, which I've given to my sister, along with her undergraduate degree from McGill U. So there is some sentimental value in it, along with the satisfaction of seeing most of it gone forever. Ten bags down, 26 to go.

Teresa, it's time for that special puzzle!

Wow! Overwhelming. I'm so glad you have made considerable progress. Your endurance is unbelievable. I know I couldn't have accomplished what you have accomplished. I hope the last bags go quickly and that you find some more items to be treasured to make it worthwhile.

Thanks so much, Norma.

Glad to hear you found some treasures in that trash, and hope with every garbage bag you fill you let go of the resentment! More ((HUGS))

Okay, I'm working on a special puzzle, we can have more than one

Dear Lollipop, a special puzzle inspired by your story is up at à la Norma #51--enjoy!

(((Hugs))) from the southeast. I was once told that when given a choice, do the thing which is harder and you will never regret it. You have chosen wisely to do that which is harder. I also had to help clean out a few places that filled dumpsters. I found many treasures too. Pictures hide everywhere. Keep your eyes focused. And may each bag bring some joy and more closure.

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